Monday, April 9, 2012

The Great Slump of Twenty Twelve.

I can't seem to put my thoughts and feelings into words tonight. I can't tell if it's because I'm on my period or because I'm tired, but I just have a lot going on in my head/heart tonight. I've tried all the usual fixes. I drove around listening to music but all I could think about was how much gas I was wasting... who have I become? Seriously. It makes me sick. And then that just puts more worry and weight on my heart. I've tried reading. Nothing. Music isn't doing anything. I just don't know. I think I've complicated my life too much. Everything used to be pretty simple. But then I went and threw a wrench in the works and here I am, 22 and I feel like my life has stopped. In the least dramatic way possible. I'm just not sure what I'm doing. Or what I'm even capable of doing. I guess I'm in sort of a confidence slump.

My parents have always said that they raised my sister and I to be independent, to not need anyone else. Which, by the way, is kind of lame. But that's a whole other blog post. Anyways, I've always been that way about dating and guys, that I never needed a boyfriend. I was perfectly fine being on my own. I've never thought I needed a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. But the other day I was in a dressing room with some friends and I came out in this gorgeous white top and I told myself I didn't need it but it was just SO pretty. So in order to convince myself I didn't need it I started listing excuses like, "Oh I don't know it's kind of see-through" and "I don't really have anywhere to wear this" (It was sort of formal). And one of my friends said, "You could wear it on a date." I responded with a joke about how I don't go on dates. And for some reason that's just stuck with me. If I wasn't in such a confidence slump I would have tacked it up as more proof that I choose to be on my own and that I'm independent. However, the confidence monster struck and has me thinking I don't go on dates because I'm not good enough, and that I don't go on dates because no one wants to go on dates with me. I'm slumped. And I don't know how to get un-slumped.

Also, being on your period makes your Easter candy go way faster. Someone please take this chocolate away from me.

Monday, April 2, 2012

I just read all of my old posts and laughed at myself.

Okay, so I'm not really sure where to start. But I figured just diving in was a good idea.

I've decided to start blogging again. This has always been about me just getting my thoughts out, or working through something and I always work through things through writing them out. But if I just wait until I have something epic or thought-provoking to say I'm never going to get in the habit of writing here.

So I'm starting.

1. Today was so hot I could have DIED. It actually wasn't so bad once I was sitting out there for a few hours. But the initial reaction to 90 degree heat in April was feelings of sudden death.

2. I have THE best friends. Really. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with all the time, I'm weird and high maintenance and sort of mean and always try and get out of things and generally talk really fast or mumble. But for some reason I'm surrounded by really great people and I am SO thankful. How did I get so lucky?

3. One time a little girl asked me to wish her sister luck because she was having surgery the next day. I said oh, well tell her I said "good luck" and then the girl says "I don't believe in luck, I believe in Jesus Christ and his saving power." Pissed. #JesusJuke

4. I can't tell if this red thing on the end of my nose is a zit or a spider bite. Help.

5. Kentucky won the NCAA mens basketball national championship tonight. I very happily turned it into a High School Musical moment on twitter and facebook. I'm extremely proud of that fact.

6. I want something to come into my life that I can name William. It's all I've been able to think about since I told Brittney about William my whale keychain. I just want a living William in my life. And I want to have named him William. Is that normal?

7. I'm not sure why I started just numbering these random thoughts, but it seems to be the only way I can get a blog written tonight so HA.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and I don't care who knows it. (AND my bead spread and sheets and pillows are in it. Elena has my sheets and pillows and Rick's wife has my bead spread. SUCKAAAS!)

Okay, so that's about it. I could go on and on but I'll leave it here.