The Great Slump of Twenty Twelve.

I can't seem to put my thoughts and feelings into words tonight. I can't tell if it's because I'm on my period or because I'm tired, but I just have a lot going on in my head/heart tonight. I've tried all the usual fixes. I drove around listening to music but all I could think about was how much gas I was wasting... who have I become? Seriously. It makes me sick. And then that just puts more worry and weight on my heart. I've tried reading. Nothing. Music isn't doing anything. I just don't know. I think I've complicated my life too much. Everything used to be pretty simple. But then I went and threw a wrench in the works and here I am, 22 and I feel like my life has stopped. In the least dramatic way possible. I'm just not sure what I'm doing. Or what I'm even capable of doing. I guess I'm in sort of a confidence slump.

My parents have always said that they raised my sister and I to be independent, to not need anyone else. Which, by the way, is kind of lame. But that's a whole other blog post. Anyways, I've always been that way about dating and guys, that I never needed a boyfriend. I was perfectly fine being on my own. I've never thought I needed a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. But the other day I was in a dressing room with some friends and I came out in this gorgeous white top and I told myself I didn't need it but it was just SO pretty. So in order to convince myself I didn't need it I started listing excuses like, "Oh I don't know it's kind of see-through" and "I don't really have anywhere to wear this" (It was sort of formal). And one of my friends said, "You could wear it on a date." I responded with a joke about how I don't go on dates. And for some reason that's just stuck with me. If I wasn't in such a confidence slump I would have tacked it up as more proof that I choose to be on my own and that I'm independent. However, the confidence monster struck and has me thinking I don't go on dates because I'm not good enough, and that I don't go on dates because no one wants to go on dates with me. I'm slumped. And I don't know how to get un-slumped.

Also, being on your period makes your Easter candy go way faster. Someone please take this chocolate away from me.

I just read all of my old posts and laughed at myself.

Okay, so I'm not really sure where to start. But I figured just diving in was a good idea.

I've decided to start blogging again. This has always been about me just getting my thoughts out, or working through something and I always work through things through writing them out. But if I just wait until I have something epic or thought-provoking to say I'm never going to get in the habit of writing here.

So I'm starting.

1. Today was so hot I could have DIED. It actually wasn't so bad once I was sitting out there for a few hours. But the initial reaction to 90 degree heat in April was feelings of sudden death.

2. I have THE best friends. Really. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with all the time, I'm weird and high maintenance and sort of mean and always try and get out of things and generally talk really fast or mumble. But for some reason I'm surrounded by really great people and I am SO thankful. How did I get so lucky?

3. One time a little girl asked me to wish her sister luck because she was having surgery the next day. I said oh, well tell her I said "good luck" and then the girl says "I don't believe in luck, I believe in Jesus Christ and his saving power." Pissed. #JesusJuke

4. I can't tell if this red thing on the end of my nose is a zit or a spider bite. Help.

5. Kentucky won the NCAA mens basketball national championship tonight. I very happily turned it into a High School Musical moment on twitter and facebook. I'm extremely proud of that fact.

6. I want something to come into my life that I can name William. It's all I've been able to think about since I told Brittney about William my whale keychain. I just want a living William in my life. And I want to have named him William. Is that normal?

7. I'm not sure why I started just numbering these random thoughts, but it seems to be the only way I can get a blog written tonight so HA.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and I don't care who knows it. (AND my bead spread and sheets and pillows are in it. Elena has my sheets and pillows and Rick's wife has my bead spread. SUCKAAAS!)

Okay, so that's about it. I could go on and on but I'll leave it here.

LOVEYOUXOXOGOSSIPGIRL

Also.

Kate Nash- I Hate Seagulls

Ouch.

My heart hurts. Break ups suck. I just feel raw. And unstable. And out of control. And honestly, it wasn't worth it. A month and a half of missing him and worrying about the state of our relationship, of feeling not good enough. And then it was over. It sucked. It sucks. When I see him, it doesn't hurt. It's fine. He makes me smile and feel warm and I just want to hug him and tell him everything I'm thinking. When he's on the field, I'm proud of him and can't wait until the game's over so I can tell him what a great captain he is. But then he walks out of the room, or drives past, or the game ends. And I realize that its over. That I'm not tied to him anymore. We don't have any connection or any rights to each other's lives. He's him and I'm me. And then it just hurts. Bad. And it's just like everyone says, when you think they're exaggerating, they're not. It really sucks. And I'm just not sure the suck was worth it. At least not today. The jagged raw hurt that is in my chest right now, not worth it.

I just had to get that out there. I'll probably be better tomorrow. No big deal. I'm fine. But I definitely shouldn't watch The Notebook while PMSing anymore.

I'm proud of myself. Seriously.

I think I may have grown up this summer. So much has changed. What I believe about myself and how I think and what I know. Things are clicking in a way they never have. I think I finally did it. I grew up. I figured it out. I'm ready to face the world in a new way.

I like myself.

It All Depends On What She Cooks Like: Beef, Pork, Chicken, mmm!

So I think I'm finally going to start using this thing.

Last night, for the first time ever, I was broken up with. I know I'm probably supposed to say, "we broke up" or "things just didn't work out". But lets be honest, I was broken up with. It was the whole "I'm not ready to be in a relationship, don't know if I even WANT to be in one" thing. He told me I was awesome and perfect and listed all of the reasons why, but that he just didn't think he should be in a relationship. So this is a new feeling for me. I mean, there's no guilt, because I didn't do anything. I'm not really mad. More annoyed than anything.

Ever seen the Holiday? I'm like the blonde who can't cry. She's got her emotions all stuffed up inside and can't get them out. She's got an emotional block, and it's not like she's doing it on purpose, she just can't cry. She tries and tries but it doesn't work. I'm sort of like her. I cry sometimes. Usually just when Duke loses. But not over real stuff. So I've decided to try and get a tear or two out, ya know opening the floodgates. Gotta try and get the emotions flowing. My plan so far is to watch a series of depressing movies. The list so far has: Stepmom, The Notebook, Marley and Me, Old Yeller, and My Sisters Keeper. But that's just the list for now. It's a work in progress. I heard chocolate helps, so I'm probably going to hit up Target's candy isle. Probably drown my sorrows in some sappy love songs in between movies. I don't have any pictures of him to burn, so I can't have a boyfriend bonfire... I saw it on Friends once, and it looked pretty therapeutic. Oh well. I'll figure something else out.

Who knows. Either way, I'm just lucky to have amazing friends to help me deal. Even if I don't handle things like a normal person would, they still put up with me. And most of them don't just throw out the classic "you deserve better" line. They're actually invested in my life and that's awesome. For real though, who can be upset over a simple break up with friends as great as mine. Cheesy, but true. They're awesome.

Sidenote: I've been listening to Mulan all day.

Alabama, Arkansas, I Do Love My Ma And Pa

Letter #2

Dear Parents,

Sorry about the times I've called you by your first names because I knew you didn't like it. Just had to get that off my chest. I just wanted to thank you for teaching me to do the laundry. Over and over again. Even though I didn't listen the first 15 or so times. Thanks for continuing to do my laundry when I didn't know how (because I wouldn't let you teach me, so that I would never have to do it). But most of all, thanks for finally sending me an email with pictures and ridiculous amounts of detail so that I couldn't ever say I didn't know how, or that our washing machine was really confusing. Because Now I love to do laundry. I'm doing laundry right now.

Also, thanks for responding to my ridiculous notes that I leave about how I'm certain our house is haunted, or that there are mysterious noises coming from the dishwasher or that I think the air-freshener dispenser thing is spewing toxins. You're the best. I love you.

Your second daughter,

Stephanie

----Not related to my parents or a letter at all----

Sometimes I have a thought and I mold it into some sort of powerful statement or even an understated stance on something, but almost all of the time it's something that might offend some people. So I always try and change it to be more politically correct. And usually by the end of that, it's not what I wanted to say at all. But I'm just terrified to offend anyone. I feel like anything you say in this technological world will stick with you way past when you want it to. It can be used against you. I don't ever want to regret something I say. But sometimes, I really just want to say whatever I want, just to get people to think. And not even just that, but to see if maybe someone else out there thinks the same thing. Who knows.