Also.

Kate Nash- I Hate Seagulls

Ouch.

My heart hurts. Break ups suck. I just feel raw. And unstable. And out of control. And honestly, it wasn't worth it. A month and a half of missing him and worrying about the state of our relationship, of feeling not good enough. And then it was over. It sucked. It sucks. When I see him, it doesn't hurt. It's fine. He makes me smile and feel warm and I just want to hug him and tell him everything I'm thinking. When he's on the field, I'm proud of him and can't wait until the game's over so I can tell him what a great captain he is. But then he walks out of the room, or drives past, or the game ends. And I realize that its over. That I'm not tied to him anymore. We don't have any connection or any rights to each other's lives. He's him and I'm me. And then it just hurts. Bad. And it's just like everyone says, when you think they're exaggerating, they're not. It really sucks. And I'm just not sure the suck was worth it. At least not today. The jagged raw hurt that is in my chest right now, not worth it.

I just had to get that out there. I'll probably be better tomorrow. No big deal. I'm fine. But I definitely shouldn't watch The Notebook while PMSing anymore.

I'm proud of myself. Seriously.

I think I may have grown up this summer. So much has changed. What I believe about myself and how I think and what I know. Things are clicking in a way they never have. I think I finally did it. I grew up. I figured it out. I'm ready to face the world in a new way.

I like myself.

It All Depends On What She Cooks Like: Beef, Pork, Chicken, mmm!

So I think I'm finally going to start using this thing.

Last night, for the first time ever, I was broken up with. I know I'm probably supposed to say, "we broke up" or "things just didn't work out". But lets be honest, I was broken up with. It was the whole "I'm not ready to be in a relationship, don't know if I even WANT to be in one" thing. He told me I was awesome and perfect and listed all of the reasons why, but that he just didn't think he should be in a relationship. So this is a new feeling for me. I mean, there's no guilt, because I didn't do anything. I'm not really mad. More annoyed than anything.

Ever seen the Holiday? I'm like the blonde who can't cry. She's got her emotions all stuffed up inside and can't get them out. She's got an emotional block, and it's not like she's doing it on purpose, she just can't cry. She tries and tries but it doesn't work. I'm sort of like her. I cry sometimes. Usually just when Duke loses. But not over real stuff. So I've decided to try and get a tear or two out, ya know opening the floodgates. Gotta try and get the emotions flowing. My plan so far is to watch a series of depressing movies. The list so far has: Stepmom, The Notebook, Marley and Me, Old Yeller, and My Sisters Keeper. But that's just the list for now. It's a work in progress. I heard chocolate helps, so I'm probably going to hit up Target's candy isle. Probably drown my sorrows in some sappy love songs in between movies. I don't have any pictures of him to burn, so I can't have a boyfriend bonfire... I saw it on Friends once, and it looked pretty therapeutic. Oh well. I'll figure something else out.

Who knows. Either way, I'm just lucky to have amazing friends to help me deal. Even if I don't handle things like a normal person would, they still put up with me. And most of them don't just throw out the classic "you deserve better" line. They're actually invested in my life and that's awesome. For real though, who can be upset over a simple break up with friends as great as mine. Cheesy, but true. They're awesome.

Sidenote: I've been listening to Mulan all day.

Alabama, Arkansas, I Do Love My Ma And Pa

Letter #2

Dear Parents,

Sorry about the times I've called you by your first names because I knew you didn't like it. Just had to get that off my chest. I just wanted to thank you for teaching me to do the laundry. Over and over again. Even though I didn't listen the first 15 or so times. Thanks for continuing to do my laundry when I didn't know how (because I wouldn't let you teach me, so that I would never have to do it). But most of all, thanks for finally sending me an email with pictures and ridiculous amounts of detail so that I couldn't ever say I didn't know how, or that our washing machine was really confusing. Because Now I love to do laundry. I'm doing laundry right now.

Also, thanks for responding to my ridiculous notes that I leave about how I'm certain our house is haunted, or that there are mysterious noises coming from the dishwasher or that I think the air-freshener dispenser thing is spewing toxins. You're the best. I love you.

Your second daughter,

Stephanie

----Not related to my parents or a letter at all----

Sometimes I have a thought and I mold it into some sort of powerful statement or even an understated stance on something, but almost all of the time it's something that might offend some people. So I always try and change it to be more politically correct. And usually by the end of that, it's not what I wanted to say at all. But I'm just terrified to offend anyone. I feel like anything you say in this technological world will stick with you way past when you want it to. It can be used against you. I don't ever want to regret something I say. But sometimes, I really just want to say whatever I want, just to get people to think. And not even just that, but to see if maybe someone else out there thinks the same thing. Who knows.

Finally doing that "Letter-a-Day" thing.

Letter #2

Dear Crush,

I'm not really sure that I like you. But that's not the point. This letter is to my crush. And my favorite thing about crushes is that they don't have to mean anything. They're just fun.

So anyways, I just wanted you to know that I admire you. The fact that you aren't just doing what everyone else is doing is really awesome. I love that you love God and aren't afraid to show it. I like your haircut, and I usually hate when boys get haircuts, so that's saying something. I like that you're kind of nerdy, but still confident with who you are. I like that you laugh at what I say but not when it's not funny. I like that when I use some ridiculous new phrase or word, you tell me that you don't know what it means instead of just pretending that you do to look cool. I like that you're friends with my friends. I like that you're tallish and cute.

Thanks for being a good guy. I usually only crush on guys that are bad for me, but you being a good guy makes my friends happy. And when they're happy, I'm happy. You make me happy. I don't expect anything to come out of having a crush on you, but I think this may be a new start for me. Thanks for being you.

Sincerely,

Stephanie, Carrie's friend.